Four tips you might very well need at some point

1: How to cure a hang over? This one has been debated since the dawn of fermented liquids, how do you make the morning, and day, after a fun night a little more comfortable? First of, start before you go to bed. Drink half a liter of water, then a small glass of milk, it's also smart to eat something. Open a window in your bedroom and make sure the heat is turned down. A cool place to sleep is very importent. When you wake up, have a big glass of water, then take an advil or something after you have forced yourself to have some breakfast. Here's a smart little tip, chocolatemilk, it's genius, sounds weird, I know, but it really works. Take a small walk. Then take a long slow shower in slightly cool water. You shoud be okay just about the time you're drying of.

2: How to defend yourself if your female and in a dangerous situation, against a bigger opponent? First of, forget the knee to the groin thing all together, they're on to us... Also, the whole scream and step on someones foot, I'm sorry people, this is not self defence as much as it will seriously provoke someone, you don't want that. I you are grabbed, keep calm, this is the most importent thing to remember, you are in control. If the person won't let go, smile, and make sure you are positioned staight in front of your opponent, at a little bit less than arms length. Eyecontact is your friend, this makes the person less likely to realize what you are doing, watching your eyes keeps them from seeing your hands. Make a fist, put your weight a little back, smile, and in a hard and fast way smack your fist into the guy's throat. This is a very ugly punch, it's potentially very dangerous, do not under any sircumstance use it for anything else than pure self defense. But remember that you have the right to defend yourself, and when you have to, you want your opponent to go down and stop beeing a a threath to you. Neutralize the threat, and give yourself the time to get away, that's the trick. This ugly little punch does exacly this, it takes a while to recover from. But once again, very dangerous, purely in self defence when faced with a real threath.

3: Something fun and easy, how to greet a dog and find out if it's friendly or not?
If the dog is tied up somewhere, be careful, it can't get away and can easily be frightened. Look at the dog, is the tail wagging, does it look happy, are the ears standing up(or trying to)? This is friendly bodylanguage for a dog. Is it focused on you? Surprise is often frighting, both for humans and dogs, remember this. When you approach, don't walk all the way over to it, sit down a little and let it approach you, let it smell your hand, smile, but don't flash your teeth. In a dogs world, teeth are not a sign of friendliness, some dogs adopt human behavior and can appear to be a little smiley but most don't. Talk in a friendly voice, they might not understand what you are saying but they understand tone very well. Does the dog seem happy and exited? Then you can pet it. If the dog seem insecure in any way leave it alone, if it seems to have no bodylanguage and/or is ignoring you, stay away. Also, if it's ears are drawn back, and it seems to be making itself look bigger, it's nervous, leave it alone.

4: How to handle some easy phone problems? Don't drink and call/message. If you were not planning to call someone but it suddenly seems like a good idea when you're drunk, its not a good idea. To have an unlisted number is a good thing, it's your phone number, this way you can have more control over who's got it. Keep a charger, or better yet, a charged battery, on your person(please make the chargers smaller soon...), it's very annoying to be out of juice, aspecially since it always happends when you're in real need of the phone(Murphy's law). It's rude to call someone more than twice when they're not picking up, so don't. It's also rude to call for a very long time, if you don't get an answeringmachine, hang up when you would usually get it. Present yourself, yes, I know, everyone's got everybodys number, this makes it easy to forget but sometimes people don't have your number, so say your name. And caller id is the best thing ever. Also known as the tool of choice, for phone dodgers world wide. And we've all been there...

I'm really not very constructive today it appears, this became a very strange column, but hey, we're all allowed an off day. This one is mine, all mine, and I would love to spend it hiding in my room methinks, but no such luck, have to get to the university, so boring... And I'm out of coffee, great, I hate beeing out of coffee. Now I'm gonna be sluggish all day. Snarl. Hope I don't end up yelling at random people, no coffein makes me a very dull girl... (yes, that would be a reference to The Shining, and I'm keeping it) So peace out(bet you haven't heard that one for a while) and keep the world exiting. By doing unexpected things at unexpected times...If no one is annoyed, you're not doing it right.

The one night stand, should we lay down some rules anytime soon?

Yes, you've been there, and if you haven't you might be looking for a way to get there, or end up accidentally beeing there. Or you're married. Or religious, on the latter one, get out of my blog, this information might traumatize you. We really should have laid down some ground rules for this "sport" a long time ago, I bet that at some point, thousends of years ago, a stoneage person was confronted with the horrible kiss, hug or the dredded handshake problem. Shoud I? Uhoh, she's leaning in, help, where do i put my hands, why I'm I here, who the hell is this person?! Yes, it's never been the sex that's the problem has it, it's the horrible morning after...Or, well, the sexstuff can be complicated as well. Am I doing this right? Seem to be the most frequently asked question. And people, there is a lot of good sex going on out there, most of it beeing had by...Tada! People in relationships. No shocker there, practice might never make you perfect but it sure helps alot, and there's that whole advantage by knowing your partner and their quirks and kickers. But thats a whole other colum so back to the onenighters.
Ok, you've just met, you don't know eachother, you're attracted and, if probability has taught us anything, at least a little drunk. Alcohol, the social oil of choice, billions of people can't be wrong.
So you're now faced with the where question, where are you going. The real his or hers issue(ok, his or his, hers or hers, this is't a exclusive straight thing). Do you want the homebase advantage or the easy getaway? Ok, at this point you should already have made you'r intentions clear. Always make it clear what you're in it for, don't lead people on, it's cruel and imature. And unanswered questions can kill your night, or bring you the morning from hell. The "So, what are we doing today?" morning, you don't want that. This is for tonight, let's just have fun, I don't need your phonenumber and so on. All theese things shoud be made clear beforehand, it might limit your field of choices a little but lies are not ok under any circumstances. Be nice, we all have to live together in a limited area, six degrees of seperation, you will meet this person again, probably on an akward time and place, NEVER forget this. So all the intentions are made clear, you're going home together, now you must face the sleeping together question. Am I sleeping over, are we waking up together? Make a decision here early on and make it known to your partner. Some find the sleeping in someones arms experience better than the sex, and that's ok, we all need a little warmth and comfort once in a while. I'm presuming you are single, people in relationships has no buissniss running around having onenightstands anyway, I know some of you do, and I don't like you, nobody does, you're bad, and not in a cool or sexy way. The sex I'm leaving you to figure out on your own, but it's smart to chat a little about it beforehand, figure out eachothers prefrences and so on, it helps. And also, ther's quite a few trap doors to avoid, weird stuff shoud be discussed beforehand, surprises of any kind can go horribly wrong, don't let someone handcuff you, before you know it you are rapidly discovering how a shaving fetish works, not fun unless your into it. Always use condoms. Always meaning EVERY fucking time. If you don't, you're an idiot, and an asshole as well, you soon to be disiaseridden jerk. Talking is optional but try to remember the general rules of social behavior, it's never wrong to be polite and civil. And when it comes to the sexstuff, this one is in a physical perspective mostly for you guys out there, to much alcohol can lead to akward problems, like the "this never happend before, I'm sorry, ehh..." problem. You know what I'm talking about... If this shoud happend, it's not the end of the world, nobody is judging, and don't make a big deal out of it, compensate with other skills instead. But your best option will always be not to drink to much.
So the sex is over with, hopefully with an element of fulfillment involved for both parties, sleep or talk is the issue at hand. Unfortunatly nature has a strange sense of humor, sex makes women more awake and men sleepy, it's rude to fall fast asleep, but if you can't help it, holding your partner close as you drift of is the easiest way towards forgiveness, then you are beeing sweet, not just selfish. And now we have arrived at the morning after. This is usually when it gets really akward, sobriety sets in, sharp ruthless light as well. Try to read the bodylanguage folks, if someone is desperatly trying to avoid eyecontact, a kiss before you leave might not be the best idea. The hug is usually your best option, the handshake is rude, and a clear and frightning sign of regret, don't do this to someone. The hug has an optional level of bodyontact, so don't overdo it. And remember, if you're feeling a little dazed and confused, the other person in the room is probably not doing much better, so smile, it's helps. And don't forget that at some level you do like eachother, and if you have any regrets, this is your problem and yours alone. Don't take them out on the other person, collateral damage is'nt an option at this point. Be nice.

Guilty pleasures

Guilty pleasures, the best of the bunch? I'm sitting here writing considering the manic exitement pulsating thorugh our beloved blogging society regarding "Snakes on a plane". I can still remember my first respons to the project, something along the lines of "Huh, snakes... On a plane? Is this a joke? What the h... is wrong with Hollywood theese days??" And then i rememberd "Anaconda". This almost made me curl up on the floor weeping. I mean, does anybody out there even remember this atrocity, this horrible horrible crime against moviegoers everywhere? And if so, how did SoaP even get off the drawingboard? Then I heard about Samuel L. Jackson, and slowly I started feeling a forbidden hope. Not that the movie would be good, I mean, an assassin decides the practical way to off someone is to release a lot of snakes onboard å flight... I'm sorry but there's quite a lack of logic and reason to the whole thing. Which incidentally is exacly what gave me a small quivering and very forbidden hope... That it woud be So Bad It's Good. Very seldom does this happen, a movie comes along and it's so overblown and ridiculess that it's crosses over into instant cultphenomenon. Everyone has at least one such movie(or you are not watching enough movies), my guilty pleasures includes such horrors as Con Air(loved it, laughed my ass off and fucking loved it) and Tango and Cash(the eightees and early ninetees are a goldmine, just look for Steven Segal and your well on your way). You can't fake unitnended comedy, but you need actors with can treat the script with complete malice for it to work. Therefore, I havent even seen SoaP yet, but thanx a million Sam Jackson, I know if anybody can ride this one in it's you. I have been reading up and it appars it's all there, bad special effects, hilarious/horrific deathscenes combined with a total disregard for all things resembling reason and logic. I'm so getting in line for this one...

Drinking, the eleven step guide

Yes, most of us have been there. The stage where you have gone above and beyond your tolerance level of alchol, and the evening takes what is widely known as a scary turn. So how do one prevent this from happening. It's not hard really, it might take some time getting it all right, but with a little practice your life on the town can be fun, crazy and reasonable safe, all at the same time. So here we go.

1: Know your limits, this I can not stress enough. If whiskey makes you black out, don't drink it when you'r out and about. If you are new to the game, some practice at home with friends is recomended. If at a vorspiel, you will be wise to remember that you are going out, alcohol will be available where you are going, so don't down that final beer you know you could do without. This also takes care of the potential problem with the big, steroidfuled guy at the door of the bar/club. This guy spends his nights waiting for that perfect drunken stranger to take out his feeling of insecurities on. In a very real, very physical way.

2: When entering the club or bar, don't flash your cash. This will annoy the people you shoud be hanging out with and attract the ones you dont want hanging around your car on a badly lit street. Also there are a lot of cute boys and girls out there whom get drunk mooching of people like you. Beware. Remember, sometimes it's nice to have people like you for you, not your platinumcard(as if).

3: Be polite, aspecially to the employees. Theese people can make or break your night, you want them to like you. Also remember that you are a customer, not a friend, and for fuck sake, don't confuse the bartender with your therapist. Also, beeing polite, or at least civil, can be a good little insurance against trouble of the violent kind. Don't cut in line and don't push people, remember, a drunk person can be very unpredictable. Tip, but in resonable way. And hitting on the employees is not recomended, remember these are sober people(in most cases anyway), at work.

4. When ordering at the bar there are several factors you must consider. How drunk are you? If you're not sure on this point, don't drink anything stronger than beer. I could tell you to order a soda but I doubt you will, so beer it is. If you're in good shape, feel free to chose something stronger, if there's a massive amount of people trying to get served, don't order something so insanely complex that both bartenders and the chef is needed to prepare it, this is rude and we hate people who does this(that guy is always in front of me at the bar, I swear). If your not sure what you want, don't ask "What's good here?" Give the bartender something to go on, mention drinks you like, or tastes.

5: Socializing! After all, thats what it's all about. Be friendly but don't be meek, if you are getting a form of attention you dont want, say so, but keep your voice level and calm, and don't get agitated. Getting angry or raising your voice a lot is a very good way of finding trouble, or getting thrown out. If you are hitting the dating/pick up scene it's aspecially important not to breach your tolerance level of alcohol. Neighter slurring nor stumbling around is very attractive. And please let your intentions be known to the person your hitting on, if your going for the easy fix and a onenighter, don't mislead. It's just easier on everybody this way.

6: Technology and drinking, or "a match made in hell". You have a cellphone, theese days evrybody does. And calling/texting while drunk is a common mistake that can get us all in trouble sometimes. Don't make life changing decisions while drinking, don't realize your last boyfriend/girlfriend was the love of your life and preceed to call them at four in the morning to tell them. Also, the guy/girl calling or texting you at four in the morning is not suddenly in love with you, just horny, desperate, lonely, or all the above. So do yourself a favour, dont pick up or answer, no good can come of this. Makeup sex dosen't quite have the same charm when one or more parties involved is wasted. And for the love of all that's right people, do not under any circumstances call someone you are angry with and yell at them. Or you might as well compose a very apologetic textmessage right now, for use on those sad and scary mornings after.

7: Don't binge just before closingtime. I know, it's tempting, easy mistake, but at least try to control the impuls. There will be another opportunity, the world will not be out of alcohol anytime soon. Also, don't fill your table with drinks just before closingtime, hanging around prolonging the poor employees night is not a popular move. If they are eyeing you with a hint of hatred while checking their watches, you need to leave.

8: Don't shot. Anything. Ever. I break this one all the time. If you feel you have to, no more than two per hour, let them do their thing before you order more. Listen to the name itself. Not something to be messed with. And in no way anything for the inexperienced among us.

9: Drinking is,as we all know, a social activety. And it's always smart to bring a friend(or more), someone you can talk to when the action in the bar is slow, so you don't end up sitting around heckling the bartender. Also, someone having you're back, always smart. Plus, for the aspiering pickup artists out there, a wingman/women is essential.

10: Make a plan. Upfront, before you hit the town, decide a budget, consider where you are going, not in a obsessiv compulsive way but, just think a little about what you want out of the experience. And if going out as a group, you are probably going to be separated during the night, try not to lose anybody.

11: If something goes wrong try to remain calm, no matter what. You get wasted; go home. You feel queezy, seek out a bathroom. They won't serve you? Go home. If any kind of violence shoud happen, get away from the situation. This is not beeing a pussy, this is saving you a whole lot of trouble, and possibly avoiding a wide variety of horryfying concequenses. Injury, death and jail are the some of the worst of them.

Have fun, stay safe, go wild, love life.

Stop making dating hell, it's easy

Today, lets talk about dating and the flood of books being published on this subject. Dating seems to have become the greatest mystery known to man, there's more books published and sold on this subject than about religion and politics, and I don't think they can possibly all be good, or even worthy of publishing. But still, they sell, and today, that's all that matters as we all know.
The strange part is, about ninety prosent of theese are directed at women. This would, to an alien just arrived on earth, imply that women are the dominating sex on the dating arena. That's just until our unfortunate alien reads the title of a few of the books of course. "How to make him to commit to you", "Seventeen ways to snag a husbond", "How to meet the perfect man! The ten step guide". And so on and so on. And of course the one that will really confuse our alien; "Men are from Mars, women from Venus" (Or how to snag a martian I guess... Dummest title ever). This book really makes me angry, I guess I shoudn't let it bother me but it's just so condesending and dumb and to top it off I think it's actually wellmeaning. "Don't call him, he needs to be the hunter, if he calls on a friday, you have to say you're busy on Saturday, always hold out until this and this date" and so on and so on.... Write a fucking timetabel while you're at it, cause one thing is for sure, you have way to much free time on you're hands. Why are almost none of the books on this subject directed at men, and why are the ones who actaully are directed at you guys very diffrent from the swamp of books directed at women? For women you have the Mars and Venus variety, for men you have the books like "The Game", by Neill Strauss. The subject is similare but not the same. Shortly said, for men: "How to get laid", for women; "How to get married". Why in the name of all thats good in the world have this happend? Is this where feminism and the sexual revolution brought us?? Men get the fun stuff, women get the desperate and sad section. This is unfair! I do not want to "snag a husband"! We're not hunting game people, we're connecting and socializing with other humanbeeings. Pesonally I doubt I will ever get married, what's the point? Cant you love someone without a piece of paper to prove it? And I really must say that it surprises me that so many women are practically going crazy to get married. Marriage used to be something women had to do to survive, we were closer to livestock than we were to slaves, fathers "selling" daughters to their husbonds. And this is an institution women are going nuts for today? I'm sorry, I just dont get it. And why lots of Americans still have the phrase "to obey" in the female part of the wedding vowels, that really leaves me flabbergasted. I read "The Game" lately, and frankly, I loved it. It's not exacly constructive but at least it's a lot more honest than the female versions. We are way beyond the stage where a woman must adapt her behavior to suit men, so why are we still telling young women that's the way to go? Frankly I will not comply to this wave of idiocy, if I wanna sleep with someone on the first date then it's my fucking buissniss, and if that puts of the guy from a further relationship, then frankly I'm better off without him, there's no room in my life for wuzzy, easily frightend men. And I'm not about to say it's ok tho build a culture that takes a charachterflaw in part of one sex, and then builds the behavior of the other sex to suit this flaw. Of course men will run around having all the fun, they're probably wondering what the hell women are doing mulling around waiting for a good thing to magically happen. When did this problem become so generally accepted? Is there something scary going on behind all this? Most of theese "self help" books for women are written by women. So why are they not more life affirming and confidence building, why are they all telling me to moderate my behavior and dumb down to appeal to men? This is cruel towards both men and women, we are a lot better than theese books makes us out to be. So do yourself a favour, and stay away from this section of the bookstore, let's hope the alien will follow that example. Or else the alien will promtly write us off as imbisils and sign off on the destruckt order regarding earth. No intelligent life detected.

The first steps

So, here we go. The start of an adventure, a new day in the life and so on, I'm joining the blogosphere to my great delight. What's it gonna be about is a questioning that needs some adressing about now. It's about everyday annoyences, bigger better things and life as a struggeling writer. So let's all get along and keep flooding the net with our voices. The world must know.
Join the dark side, we have more fun.