"Snakes on a motherfucking plane"
Finally, I have seen it. And it was good, it was great in fact. There are a few of those movies that manages to get you thinking: "They couldn't possibly...yes, apparently they could. Huh, how strange and befuddling, who's in charge here? They have to be joking." The magic of unintended comedy. And SoaP must be one of the greatest unintended comedies ever made, it has absolutly everything. Spoiler alert, if you haven't seen it, eighter stop reading, or don't blame me for your lack of surprise in the theather. It begins like a classic actionflic, energic music, young guy on a fast motorbike(one of those small cross things), filmed from chopper while apparing to be going 100miles an hour, and jumping a bit, no less. And there are some pointless skinscenes, pretty girls on the beach(obligatory bikinishots all the way, we're not messing with the formula on this one), a few surfershots, just to make you realize that yes, we're at Hawaii. Our hero on his bike stops for some reason, happen to se a murder(executed with a bat, and with cocky remarks from the bad guy, sooo classic). The bad guy is this asian mafioso, we don't really get to know a lot about him, besides the typical "he likes torture!" thing, and there's a very pointless martial arts scene where we get some kind of reason for the snakeaproach to the murderproject. "It's the only way!" (really, are you serious? The hitmen of the world must be stunned...), and that's ok, everyone in the theather is waiting for the people to board the plane anyway, no need for unnecceceary explanations, get on the fucking plane!
So everybody does, we are treated to the classic disasterflic way of introducing the charachters. They have to be stereotypes or really annoying, there's no time to develop charachters, we've got snakes, on a plane! What we end up with is closer to charichatures, but that's ok, this one's not about the thespians anyway. We get the very quick introductions to charachters I, the day after I saw the movie, can't remember the names of. Exept the rapper, three G's. Wich I incedentally only remember because my company made a fun remark about it. We have three stewartesses, a stewart, two pilots(one has been given a "personality", and I won my internal bet that he would live longer than his colleague), the beformentioned rapper and his "crew", random people, a kickboxer(well why not?), a classic unplesant ritchguy, some kids, and some attractive slutty young people(of course, we want to cover EVERY moviecliche there is). Guess who's first to die...
So there's some explaining to do, it's very fast, snakes, in a huge box with a timetrigged bomb(yes, that got past the bomb dogs, one might be tempted to suggest it might be a better use of the explosives to simply take out the actual plane, but where's the fun in that...) as an opening mechanizm, feromones sprayed on leis(Hawaian flower neclacethingys), all designed to make the snakes go loco, great plan, our mafioso is a master planner it appears... So we spend a few minutes with the passagers and crew, they are milling around, some have "issues", like fear of flying, or germofobia(the rapper...), some posh lady has one of those annoying little pursedogs, she also uses the phrase "That's so hot", and if that's not a set up to make the cinemacrowd hate her and hope she dies... Well, maybe that's just me. The whole of first class have been commodeered by the FBI, or Sam Jackson I might say. Four people resorts there, our young and "surfboysexy" vitness, a sassy stewartess (whom is none to clever, and more than a little interested in getting into prettyboys cutoffs), Sam Jackson's take on the classic kickass FBI agent and his colleague, whom has not been given a personality. Uhoh, bad news for you mr FBI-man, you will not live through this, in fact I have you on my "early departure" list, along with the boring pilot and the sexyslutty young couple(wich have great bods, and no visable personality, beyond beeing horny).
So, the bomb goes of, nobody notices, it's the redeye, people are sleeping or doing marginally more interesting stuff, the crew is chatting amongst themself(oh, I forgot a "fun moment", the safety routine, including sexual connotations, gay stereotype humor, and some situational comedy). By this point I can feel the people in the theathre practically rooting the snakes on in they're minds, come on, let's see some carnage please, and hurry up allright. The sexyslutty couple sneaks into a bathroom together, shocker, didn't see that one coming a mile away did we... So here we go, nudity! And I'm not talking "wow, I think I glimpsed bit of a nipple there" nudity, no we're going full frontal, no holding back here, after all, the gruesom deathscenes and cursing pulls up the rating for age anyway, so let's see some titties. Nice ones by the way, I was a little distracted by the pornstyle of this particulare scene, and found myself wondering why they were smoking a joint while having sex. Well I guess it's importent to make the first to die "really sinful people". And yes, we know they're gonna die, along with the fact that these kind of charachters NEVER get old in horrorflics of any kind, we also get to "see through the snakes eyes", green and white, annoying more than helpful, probably ment to build some form of suspense. And here's the first genuinly insane moment in the film, it will be followed by many more but this one gives a good idea about the films "soul". When the snakes attac, one of them actually attaches itself to the girls nipple. And we get to see it! Glee... There was laughter, shocked laughter, among the audience, the wide eyed kind of laughter. And it just gets worse. There's the guy peeing... I can clearly hear the guy's in the audience twitching in their seats, and yes. Your assumption of where the snake attaches itself is entirely correct. And yes, the lines don't let us down eighter. "Get off my dick!" I'm not making this up. I was laughing pretty bad at this point, but there were a lot of sqirming going on among the male moviegoers, understandably enough. And it just keeps coming, the snakes are still not discovered by anyone not immidiatly deceased, there's the snake going up the big sleeping womans dress, her making sounds of enjoyment in her sleep... I swear, once again, I'm not making this up. The electrical system in the cockpit is shortcirquited by a snake, boring pilot to the rescue, have to go down in small, dimly lit compartment to fix the problem. We know what happends in dimly lit areas in theese movies. And no mistake, the captain kicks the bucket. One pilot down, one to go... But he fixes the problem first, nice guy that he is. His colleagues and Sam Jackson immidiatly rules hartattac and get's on with their stuff. And then all hell breaks loose. The snakes are discovered and everyone goes crazy, there's som nice trampling action going on, there are people beeing bitten(or maimed to death might be a better choice of words, the snakes, strangely, don't let go, unless the bitten is a charachter with more lines than a mere deathrattle), some guy actually gets his scull penetrated with a stilettoheel, it's not enough gore just with the snakes, we simply must have some blunt/sharp force trauma action going on to. After this it's war, close to total chaos and of course, "unlike" heroes come forth, and it's not enough with just the snakeinduced mayhem going on, they are flying into a storm! And pilot number two is bitten and tumbles down into the dimly lit compartment! The plane has no pilot! Sam J to the rescue, along with the stewartess (that's on her last shift of course)! The power's out, the passagers are arguing amongst themself and the snakes keep coming, barricades are buildt and fireextinguishers are used to defend them, the plane goes into a dive, the food and beverage carts are turned into deadly blunt objects that plows into people, Sam and Stewartess(from E.R i might add) are in the cockpit, the plane won't come out of the dive. And I'm laughing. This must be the most insane movie I have ever seen, and I've seen some strange stuff in my days. It's corpses, snakes, crazypeople, gunwaving, the whole shabang, in a continues stream. Everytime it calms down a little it immidiatly goes completly nuts again. Suddenly there's an enormous snake falling throug glass in the celing of the plane, the thing looks like a dinosaur, and the special effects(or not so special effects I should rather say...) makes homage to anaconda and deep blue sea, rather than jurrasic park. The "evil busnissman" throws the really annoying dog to it, it's devoured in seconds, and of course this little appetizer is followed by the evil busnissman himself, poetic justice anyone? Jeez... On the ground a snake expert is consulted, for antivenom and all that stuff, there's some classic shotgunaction and gunplay going on, the FBI don't mess around. Whomever wrote the lines to this epic drama should no doubt have been punished, even if the outcome of the project happend to be the best "so bad it's fucking glorious" movie I have ever seen. "Macho", and not in a good way, comes to mind... But it's all part of the fun in this case. "Do as I say and stay alive" Oh, Sam, really, this movie would have been lost without you, total malice man, that's the way to go when confronted with a script like this. Back in our plane the pilot "raises from the dead", and takes conrol of the plane again, of course Sam and Stewartess has saved it from crashing into the sea with the closest possible margin. So then everything is ok? Of course not, the snakes are still a problem but now the air is running out! Yes, that's right, the aircondition has stopped working! And now everyone will suffocate! Sam to the rescue once again, he's going into the planes internal dimly lit compartments, with a small homemade flamethrower, no less.
Here I'm baffled to remember the last time a Sam Jackson charachter "went away from the rest to turn something back on", it was all the way back in Jurassic Park. Sam was not such a household name back then, and did not return. Well, his dismembered arm showed up, but that dosen't really counts...
Better luck this time, some crawling, discoverys(the snakebox) and snakekilling later, the air is back on, everybody's happy. And friends again, this is a good sign, they have learned a valuable lesson about "working together", yeah, it's that kinda movie. We're getting close to the destination to, LAX, so does this mean we're home safe? Of course not! Something is wrong in the cockpit! Sam jimmies the door with the handy knife he found while rummaging through baggage in the dim compartments. The pilot falls out dead! Oh, no! "Does anybody know how to fly a plane?" That's an actual line. Of course sombody does, he learnt it, you will never ever guess this one, by playing flight simulator on his Playstation! Guess Sony won that biddingwar.
I'm not gonna give away the ending, but if you have seen more than four actionflics in your life, well, it dosen't take a genious to figure this one out...
So, was it worth it? Oh, yes, oh so very very much. It's glorious. I will recomend this one to anyone with any sense of humor(and a high tolerance for snakes, gore and sensory abuse, this movie is loud), because it's barrels of fun. It's complete madness from start to finish, and I give it a big chance at becoming a serious cult phenomenon, the kind that's quoted and adopted into inside jokes, amongst anyone whom has discovered the "so bad it's good"(in this case great) principle. So run out and catch this one people, it will be a while until the next one of this caliber comes along. Rememer they are expencive and unintended accidents.
So everybody does, we are treated to the classic disasterflic way of introducing the charachters. They have to be stereotypes or really annoying, there's no time to develop charachters, we've got snakes, on a plane! What we end up with is closer to charichatures, but that's ok, this one's not about the thespians anyway. We get the very quick introductions to charachters I, the day after I saw the movie, can't remember the names of. Exept the rapper, three G's. Wich I incedentally only remember because my company made a fun remark about it. We have three stewartesses, a stewart, two pilots(one has been given a "personality", and I won my internal bet that he would live longer than his colleague), the beformentioned rapper and his "crew", random people, a kickboxer(well why not?), a classic unplesant ritchguy, some kids, and some attractive slutty young people(of course, we want to cover EVERY moviecliche there is). Guess who's first to die...
So there's some explaining to do, it's very fast, snakes, in a huge box with a timetrigged bomb(yes, that got past the bomb dogs, one might be tempted to suggest it might be a better use of the explosives to simply take out the actual plane, but where's the fun in that...) as an opening mechanizm, feromones sprayed on leis(Hawaian flower neclacethingys), all designed to make the snakes go loco, great plan, our mafioso is a master planner it appears... So we spend a few minutes with the passagers and crew, they are milling around, some have "issues", like fear of flying, or germofobia(the rapper...), some posh lady has one of those annoying little pursedogs, she also uses the phrase "That's so hot", and if that's not a set up to make the cinemacrowd hate her and hope she dies... Well, maybe that's just me. The whole of first class have been commodeered by the FBI, or Sam Jackson I might say. Four people resorts there, our young and "surfboysexy" vitness, a sassy stewartess (whom is none to clever, and more than a little interested in getting into prettyboys cutoffs), Sam Jackson's take on the classic kickass FBI agent and his colleague, whom has not been given a personality. Uhoh, bad news for you mr FBI-man, you will not live through this, in fact I have you on my "early departure" list, along with the boring pilot and the sexyslutty young couple(wich have great bods, and no visable personality, beyond beeing horny).
So, the bomb goes of, nobody notices, it's the redeye, people are sleeping or doing marginally more interesting stuff, the crew is chatting amongst themself(oh, I forgot a "fun moment", the safety routine, including sexual connotations, gay stereotype humor, and some situational comedy). By this point I can feel the people in the theathre practically rooting the snakes on in they're minds, come on, let's see some carnage please, and hurry up allright. The sexyslutty couple sneaks into a bathroom together, shocker, didn't see that one coming a mile away did we... So here we go, nudity! And I'm not talking "wow, I think I glimpsed bit of a nipple there" nudity, no we're going full frontal, no holding back here, after all, the gruesom deathscenes and cursing pulls up the rating for age anyway, so let's see some titties. Nice ones by the way, I was a little distracted by the pornstyle of this particulare scene, and found myself wondering why they were smoking a joint while having sex. Well I guess it's importent to make the first to die "really sinful people". And yes, we know they're gonna die, along with the fact that these kind of charachters NEVER get old in horrorflics of any kind, we also get to "see through the snakes eyes", green and white, annoying more than helpful, probably ment to build some form of suspense. And here's the first genuinly insane moment in the film, it will be followed by many more but this one gives a good idea about the films "soul". When the snakes attac, one of them actually attaches itself to the girls nipple. And we get to see it! Glee... There was laughter, shocked laughter, among the audience, the wide eyed kind of laughter. And it just gets worse. There's the guy peeing... I can clearly hear the guy's in the audience twitching in their seats, and yes. Your assumption of where the snake attaches itself is entirely correct. And yes, the lines don't let us down eighter. "Get off my dick!" I'm not making this up. I was laughing pretty bad at this point, but there were a lot of sqirming going on among the male moviegoers, understandably enough. And it just keeps coming, the snakes are still not discovered by anyone not immidiatly deceased, there's the snake going up the big sleeping womans dress, her making sounds of enjoyment in her sleep... I swear, once again, I'm not making this up. The electrical system in the cockpit is shortcirquited by a snake, boring pilot to the rescue, have to go down in small, dimly lit compartment to fix the problem. We know what happends in dimly lit areas in theese movies. And no mistake, the captain kicks the bucket. One pilot down, one to go... But he fixes the problem first, nice guy that he is. His colleagues and Sam Jackson immidiatly rules hartattac and get's on with their stuff. And then all hell breaks loose. The snakes are discovered and everyone goes crazy, there's som nice trampling action going on, there are people beeing bitten(or maimed to death might be a better choice of words, the snakes, strangely, don't let go, unless the bitten is a charachter with more lines than a mere deathrattle), some guy actually gets his scull penetrated with a stilettoheel, it's not enough gore just with the snakes, we simply must have some blunt/sharp force trauma action going on to. After this it's war, close to total chaos and of course, "unlike" heroes come forth, and it's not enough with just the snakeinduced mayhem going on, they are flying into a storm! And pilot number two is bitten and tumbles down into the dimly lit compartment! The plane has no pilot! Sam J to the rescue, along with the stewartess (that's on her last shift of course)! The power's out, the passagers are arguing amongst themself and the snakes keep coming, barricades are buildt and fireextinguishers are used to defend them, the plane goes into a dive, the food and beverage carts are turned into deadly blunt objects that plows into people, Sam and Stewartess(from E.R i might add) are in the cockpit, the plane won't come out of the dive. And I'm laughing. This must be the most insane movie I have ever seen, and I've seen some strange stuff in my days. It's corpses, snakes, crazypeople, gunwaving, the whole shabang, in a continues stream. Everytime it calms down a little it immidiatly goes completly nuts again. Suddenly there's an enormous snake falling throug glass in the celing of the plane, the thing looks like a dinosaur, and the special effects(or not so special effects I should rather say...) makes homage to anaconda and deep blue sea, rather than jurrasic park. The "evil busnissman" throws the really annoying dog to it, it's devoured in seconds, and of course this little appetizer is followed by the evil busnissman himself, poetic justice anyone? Jeez... On the ground a snake expert is consulted, for antivenom and all that stuff, there's some classic shotgunaction and gunplay going on, the FBI don't mess around. Whomever wrote the lines to this epic drama should no doubt have been punished, even if the outcome of the project happend to be the best "so bad it's fucking glorious" movie I have ever seen. "Macho", and not in a good way, comes to mind... But it's all part of the fun in this case. "Do as I say and stay alive" Oh, Sam, really, this movie would have been lost without you, total malice man, that's the way to go when confronted with a script like this. Back in our plane the pilot "raises from the dead", and takes conrol of the plane again, of course Sam and Stewartess has saved it from crashing into the sea with the closest possible margin. So then everything is ok? Of course not, the snakes are still a problem but now the air is running out! Yes, that's right, the aircondition has stopped working! And now everyone will suffocate! Sam to the rescue once again, he's going into the planes internal dimly lit compartments, with a small homemade flamethrower, no less.
Here I'm baffled to remember the last time a Sam Jackson charachter "went away from the rest to turn something back on", it was all the way back in Jurassic Park. Sam was not such a household name back then, and did not return. Well, his dismembered arm showed up, but that dosen't really counts...
Better luck this time, some crawling, discoverys(the snakebox) and snakekilling later, the air is back on, everybody's happy. And friends again, this is a good sign, they have learned a valuable lesson about "working together", yeah, it's that kinda movie. We're getting close to the destination to, LAX, so does this mean we're home safe? Of course not! Something is wrong in the cockpit! Sam jimmies the door with the handy knife he found while rummaging through baggage in the dim compartments. The pilot falls out dead! Oh, no! "Does anybody know how to fly a plane?" That's an actual line. Of course sombody does, he learnt it, you will never ever guess this one, by playing flight simulator on his Playstation! Guess Sony won that biddingwar.
I'm not gonna give away the ending, but if you have seen more than four actionflics in your life, well, it dosen't take a genious to figure this one out...
So, was it worth it? Oh, yes, oh so very very much. It's glorious. I will recomend this one to anyone with any sense of humor(and a high tolerance for snakes, gore and sensory abuse, this movie is loud), because it's barrels of fun. It's complete madness from start to finish, and I give it a big chance at becoming a serious cult phenomenon, the kind that's quoted and adopted into inside jokes, amongst anyone whom has discovered the "so bad it's good"(in this case great) principle. So run out and catch this one people, it will be a while until the next one of this caliber comes along. Rememer they are expencive and unintended accidents.
posted by Miramuffin at 12:32 PM
1 Comments:
Diffrent ways to make money? Man do you have the wrong adress here... My blog has a lot of stuff, but money is not a subject I am particularly fond of, neccesary evil, are words that comes to mind. But good luck anyways, and don't try to sell me anything please.
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